It’s painful to be laid off under extremely challenging circumstances, and to know that the pay and insurance I’ve enjoyed the last 3 1/2 years is ending very soon.
It’s painful to keep applying and applying and applying, have interviews on a regular basis, but not have a new job yet.
It’s painful to have purchased a house a year ago (which is a stressful process in and of itself), only to be trying to sell it now since between the two of us, we just can’t keep it up.
It’s painful that the house hasn’t sold yet, with the aforementioned job ending.
It’s painful to know that my husband feels better in the Northwest, but that we don’t have jobs there yet (and, for that matter, an apartment).
With all of these, there are HUGE timing issues.
Yet, all this looks like nothing when I put it next to my cousin being diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia (in January) and my mom’s cousin (same side of the family) having just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer this week.
This combination of events has really pulled the carpet out from under me. I have questioned so many of the things I’ve learned and taken for granted over the years. I’ve had a tough time returning calls and e-mails, preferring instead to try to hide until it’s all over. People I care about who care a lot about me ask me questions I can’t answer.
I’ve been very fortunate in my choice of spouse. He’s been wonderful, supportive and sweet, and we’ve gotten to know each other a lot better. We both have great parents.
I have the chance to recreate myself, to start over, to re-evaluate my boundaries and values. It’s interesting, scary, saddening and exciting. That’s just for starters, and in the last 60 seconds.
I wish I could take my magic wand and heal the cancer patients. I wish I could tap my husband’s head with that magic wand and cure his headaches. I wish I could make the pain go away and settle my life and emotions.
Instead, I think and pray, think and pray, and think some more. I do sudoku. I read. (The Hunger Games, in Spanish, if you’re curious.) I think and pray some more. I start redefining who I am, what I value, and what my boundaries are. Sometimes I’m able to take several steps forward, and sometimes I slip several more back. I weigh pros and cons, and then I question the measure.
It’s hard, but I’m growing. I still can’t answer any questions, but I know there’s a plan, and I know the pieces will fall into place someday. Hopefully that day will be soon, but it’s not in my hands. Not really. I can apply for jobs and apply for jobs, but thinking and praying is about all I can do after that.
To those who care about us and have helped us, thank you. To all of you who read my blog, thank you. Your love, prayers and thoughts are felt and appreciated.